The Year in Review

I’ve been inspired to write this by the other bloggettes   and their beautiful New Year posts.

I guess a year in which IVF failed twice tends to leave you feeling like the whole year was yet again, a total waste.  I have ended the year in a bit of a dark space, I really am just deciding on whether I should carry on with this parenthood thing or call it a day.  It’s kind of superstitious, I have had such a tough few years, that I’ve become scared that if I do actually become a parent, something really terrible is going to happen next (again).

I hate it when people get all sorry for themselves, but oh my hat, I’m in it!  This has been the year where I’ve officially hit rock bottom and lost a whole lot of faith in God and the Universe and the ultimate “good over evil” thing.  I think that maybe it just is what it is, and some people will become parents and others won’t… finish.  Not because there is a greater plan, just because.  I just can’t conceive of the notion that somebody chose this as their greater plan for me, because right now it’s looking a whole lot more like a lesser, somewhat badly thought out plan.

Apart from fertility though, some really special things did happen to me this year.  Things in my marriage are truly fantastic, and as a couple we are really moving forward.  Of course, I do wish we had reached this 5 years ago, and dived straight into IVF then, because it would be a whole different ball game.  But nonetheless, I am grateful.

I finally have had the courage to try IVF, and despite the devastation it’s brought, we have finally reached a point in our relationship where it was possible to do this.

Financially I’ve reached a milestone that I’m really proud of in terms of my net worth, and it’s something that I’ve worked hard to reach.

In terms of life lessons, unfortunately I can’t say that I’ve learned a whole lot.  Probably unlearned a whole lot is more like it.  Not sure if it’s a good thing or not.  I feel a little bit stripped bare of everything I’ve ever believed in.

I don’t really have New Years resolutions, more like pages and pages of ongoing, ever dynamic, all-the-time resolutions.  I have them loaded up on Google docs, split into categories like Friends and Family, Career, Finances etc.  These are the things I want to look back on in 25 years time when retirement rolls around, things I want to have experienced.  Kind of like my bucket list in all areas of my life.  But there are some little things I am going to implement in the spirit of the New Year…

I’m going to put some more effort into being feminine, wearing make up and perfume and actually do some clothes shopping once in a while (something I used to do often, but lost interest in when I moved to the coast and there were better things to do).

I’m going to spend some time every day either breathing, doing yoga or some meditation.  I will take a few moments to get intentional about the day, so that at the end of each day I’ll feel like it’s counted.  To ensure that it actually happens, I’m getting up half an hour earlier, and will have my yoga clothes ready and waiting.

For those of you that have forgotten the password I always use and want to read the last post, email me.

Wishing you all the best for the New Year, may all your dreams come true!

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