How Far is too Far?

After reading Stirrup Queen’s “was it worth it” post yesterday, a few thoughts have been brewing. In the back of my mind, I always had a rough plan of action. I’m going to do everything in my power to try to conceive naturally, and am currently researching many options along that route (PS thanks Dee for the link to self fertility massage which is an awesome site with lots of natural remedies and even a forum). And then, in the back of my mind I had left the emergency option of 2 IVF’s open, and I want to be done with this journey by the end of the year. Then I will feel as if I have tried, and I want to start looking into adoption. In fact, I have days where I am ready to start looking into adoption now, but DH is not keen on that route at all.

Last night we were at a friend’s house babysitting (our first time ever) and I broached the subject with DH. “How far do you want to go, how many IVF’s would you be prepared to experience?” “About 6 IVF’s”. SIX!!! Holy cow, had a quick choke on my hibiscus tea. Of course DH doesn’t spend hours on the fertility forums so has no idea how much emotional upheaval even one IVF causes. And he will want what’s best for both of us, so it’s not to say we are actually going to go that far. And who knows, the first one might work. But the point is that there are some differing levels of devotion to parenthood in our relationship (and probably in most relationships), that I wasn’t aware of at all.

The problem is mostly on my side, so I do feel that I would be depriving him if I were to dig my heels in after 2 IVF’s. He has very kindly said that it’s my body and he would never put me through something I didn’t want to do, and similarly, I would do it for him if he really wanted me to. I have days though, where I don’t even think I want to have one IVF. I actually have days where I think I could walk away from this whole situation and move on. I do actually see some benefits in a childfree life, I realise this is an unpopular thought in the fertility community, but there you have it, it’s out. Having said that, for the most part, I still totally believe it will happen somehow, and so I probably have not fully processed the childfree possibility anyway. But it’s there isn’t it?

Have you gone there, have you stared the worst case scenario in the eye? Or does that feel too much as if you are putting your head in the lion’s mouth? When you look back on your life, will you regret the years of living a life that was on hold whilst trying to conceive?

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5 Comments

Filed under Fertililty

5 responses to “How Far is too Far?

  1. dee

    This is such an incredibly tough question. The goals move after a failed treatment. I used to say no more than 3, Im onto #7 so that didnt work. I would rather look at adoption than use a surro but then again how long will I think that? Our worst case scenario is that we will have to use DE/DS and Im totally open to that. Afterall my wish is to have a healthy, living, breathing baby. As for looking back and wondering if I regret anything, I doubt I will. I *try* not let ttc take over my life but again thats easier said then done. On the other hand if I were to stop all treatment, would I regret not carrying on? And the answer is absolutely yes, which in essence means I cant stop. Hope that makes sense!

  2. Tough questions that we’ve all been faced with at some stage…but I really think from our own experience (and we’re still pretty new to this whole TTC/ART thing), is that until you’re facing the situation, you won’t know what you’re willing or unwilling to do. You may have some idea, but until the fork in the road is right there in front of you, you won’t know which way you’ll go.
    In my opinion, the answer (if I can be so bold as to say something that sounds like I have a real answer) is to make sure you’re communicating openly with your other half every step of the way, because feelings change and you need to be keeping each other updated with these changes.

    I know exactly what you mean about days where you wonder if you should just throw in the towel and carry on without children – it’s hard to admit to yourself when you’re having those days, let alone your other half, but I’m sure they’re a natural part of any difficult journey. Specially when the journey seems to be so hurtful to your loved one.

    Just keep talking…

  3. ttcnot2easy

    I never put a number on how far we would go. I wanted to play it by ear and see where my emotions took me. Bearing in mind that we did one IVF in 2006 and then three this year. The one in 2006 certainly took it’s toll – on both me (in the physical and emotional sense) and on our relationship. Had it not been for our decision to adopt, I am 100% certain that I’d be slap-bang in the middle of my next DE IVF.

    My thoughts, feelings and emotions around the TTC Journey change(d) from day to day, so it was an easy (sensible??) decision for us NOT to put a number on how many times we’d have IVF.

    I just wanted to go with the flow, and doing so has really worked out perfectly for us.

    One small part of choosing adoption was to give ourselves a “break” from the stresses and sadness and disappointment of failed cycle upon failed cycle. I have my age on my side, so I know for sure (FOR NOW!!) that in a few years (depending on how things work out), I’ll want to do DE IVF again.

  4. Hmmm, the thing is this.

    Your goalposts change when the outcome you desire is not achieved. If someone had told me that 6 years later I would still be trying and would be facing my 5th IVF I would have laughed at them, but the fact is only you and DH can say when you are done. And it’s got jack to do with how many IVF’s you’ve done or are willing to do, the decision (in my opinion at least) comes from the heart – if your heart says you’re not done, then you’re not done.

    Hoping you get your dreams realised WAY before you have to worry about when it’s time to stop.

    xxx

  5. Nearlydawn

    My hubby gave a similar number when I asked him what his thoughts were on # of tries. This was after our 1st IUI with stems. I felt he really didn’t get what I had to go through to take the shots, drugs, appointments, blood draws, and wash-rinse-repeat.

    The next cycle, I had him attend EVERY shot, as well as each US scan and blood draw appointment. Yep, that’s right, for ALL of my tests. The number of cycles he thought we should do changed drastically. He said, “You know, I’d be fine if you said you wanted to stop now.” – we kept trying because I (we) wanted to. He kept attending a good # of my appointments, because he wanted to support me. I did appreciate it. We moved to IVF, had our son Jim, and he was glad to have been there…

    Soon we hope to do another cycle of IVF – then we’ll regroup if it doesn’t work. I don’t think commiting to a number is a workable plan – seeing how you feel after each one is more reasonable.

    Be sure he attends your shot

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