After reading Stirrup Queen’s “was it worth it” post yesterday, a few thoughts have been brewing. In the back of my mind, I always had a rough plan of action. I’m going to do everything in my power to try to conceive naturally, and am currently researching many options along that route (PS thanks Dee for the link to self fertility massage which is an awesome site with lots of natural remedies and even a forum). And then, in the back of my mind I had left the emergency option of 2 IVF’s open, and I want to be done with this journey by the end of the year. Then I will feel as if I have tried, and I want to start looking into adoption. In fact, I have days where I am ready to start looking into adoption now, but DH is not keen on that route at all.
Last night we were at a friend’s house babysitting (our first time ever) and I broached the subject with DH. “How far do you want to go, how many IVF’s would you be prepared to experience?” “About 6 IVF’s”. SIX!!! Holy cow, had a quick choke on my hibiscus tea. Of course DH doesn’t spend hours on the fertility forums so has no idea how much emotional upheaval even one IVF causes. And he will want what’s best for both of us, so it’s not to say we are actually going to go that far. And who knows, the first one might work. But the point is that there are some differing levels of devotion to parenthood in our relationship (and probably in most relationships), that I wasn’t aware of at all.
The problem is mostly on my side, so I do feel that I would be depriving him if I were to dig my heels in after 2 IVF’s. He has very kindly said that it’s my body and he would never put me through something I didn’t want to do, and similarly, I would do it for him if he really wanted me to. I have days though, where I don’t even think I want to have one IVF. I actually have days where I think I could walk away from this whole situation and move on. I do actually see some benefits in a childfree life, I realise this is an unpopular thought in the fertility community, but there you have it, it’s out. Having said that, for the most part, I still totally believe it will happen somehow, and so I probably have not fully processed the childfree possibility anyway. But it’s there isn’t it?
Have you gone there, have you stared the worst case scenario in the eye? Or does that feel too much as if you are putting your head in the lion’s mouth? When you look back on your life, will you regret the years of living a life that was on hold whilst trying to conceive?