I came across this a few days ago, and it played on my mind so much I felt I needed to blog about it. It’s from one of my favourite bloggers (when I found her blog I read it from start to finish), who is herself both an adoptee and infertile. She’s doing a write up here on a book by another adopted woman. It’s an interesting and thoughtful conversation, the author replies a number of times in the comments section.
As someone who has had her fair share of trauma (and then again it’s nothing compared to some), the one thing that I have never ever seen as traumatic is the act of adoption. To me it seems (from the outside, but also as an infertile woman and someone who is very seriously considering adoption) to be one of the most miraculous and beautiful things I have ever come across. Not as an act of charity. Not as an act of rescue. I believe that it takes immense and tremendous love on the part of a birth mother to make this decision. I believe that if the birth mother truly believes she has made the right decision for her child, then adoption is most certainly in the child’s best interest. The social worker that we are dealing with told us that birth mothers care deeply for their children, and it is not a decision they take lightly. They are counselled for many months. They are 100% sure that this is what they want for their babies, who in 90% of cases they love dearly. The number one focus of the social worker is for the child. If even one grandparent shows some kind of dislike for the idea of adoption, the entire thing is out of the question. The care that is taken on every level is just incredible. Of course, there is no doubt in my mind that the child will feel abandoned on some subconscious level, and that is never OK. But there are so many aspects of life and childhood that are not OK, that are painful. We are all damaged!
My thoughts are basically the same thoughts that I have about all things. In life you have two choices, all day, every day. To act from a place of love or to act from a place of fear. Actions from a place of fear are never empowering, and the same applies to adoption. Placing a child due to your fear, or adopting a child due to fear cannot be healthy for anyone. But when a birthmother places a child because her love for the child is so great that she puts her child’s needs above her own, and when a couple (or single person) adopt a child because their heart is so overflowing with love that has nowhere to go, surely the result can only be great.
There are few things as terrifying to any human being as loss of identity, and the dangers for adopted children in this respect are possibly greater than for children living with their biological parents. But love and a sense of belonging must surely be able to overcome all those problems?