Another BFP in the Family

But not the kind we like.  Not the Big Fat Positive that you have a 30% chance of with every IVF.  A BFP that she only had a 1% chance of … yep another MS diagnosis.

I’ve been sitting here deciding whether or not to write this post because, well you know, every time I say it, it’s like it might actually be true.  And you’re asking if I’m going to get it (because everyone does)… Well the answer to that is it would be completely statistically absurd and ridiculous.  But you know, we have a bit of a habit in this family of falling into the absolutely absurd and ridiculous side of the stats, dammit.

I’ve decided to let the social workers know, because it was one of the questions on the forms and I feel it’s only right.  I’m going to see an MS specialist (although they can never diagnose anyone who hasn’t had an episode).  I’m not worried I’ll get it actually… in fact somehow I know I won’t.

I’d like to say I’m all light and positivity and totally ready to face this head on.  But that would be a blatant lie.  I’m not really looking at the worst case scenarios and worrying about that, there’s no point.  But I’ve started to experience overwhelming anxiety about what bad news is coming next.  Literally last week I was parking the car to go to the shops and suddenly I stopped breathing and a wave of nausea swept over me.  It’s like I’m not actually scared I will never be a mother or that my sisters will be in wheelchairs at some point, I’m scared there’s more, that this is just the start of it.  In the past four and a half years I’ve dealt with murder, infertility, marital separation, and now these diagnoses, and every time I think “I just need to get through it” I get dealt another blow.

I’m scared.

I’m tempted to write comforting words, like don’t worry, I’ll be OK, this too shall pass.  And those words would be true.  But they would also be denying my heart the space it’s really in.  And that would be denying me my own humanity right now.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Another BFP in the Family

  1. Crikey, I almost can’t believe it.

    M, don’t be despondent. Do you read Mo and Will? I honestly thought that not a single couple I know has had more bad luck than the two of them and look! beautiful baby finally 🙂

  2. This is going to be a strange response..and some of your readers including you might think I am wackey…but it made total sense to me. For the first 34 years of my life I had things a little tougher than most. I could never understand Why?….until I went to see a spiritual healer who told me that in my past lives I had led an easy life and that I chose to come back into this one to learn about pain and hardship…and then I found my B who ended this cycle. My life has been much easier since…..
    Whether you believe in past lives or not, it is comforting to know that it will come to an end. No-one knows when, but when you reach the end you will realize how strong you actually are…and how much power you had in you

  3. The Blessed Barrenness

    I’m so sorry M!

  4. Cam

    Ag Mash…sorry to hear about your sis. So not news you can be ready for or accept without fear. Sending you a big hug as you work through this obstacle. All in growth sure, but growth can be so damn painful xxxxxxxxxxx

  5. St. Elsewhere

    So very unfair. It seems the universe is stacked against you. I hope it’s not, but still. Things just keep happening!

    Hugs, Mash.

  6. Sam

    Well shit. I am hoping and praying that this “stormy period” now ends in your life Mashie. I don’t know how I know, but I just know that you are going to get that baby that is meant to be yours. I just know. Stay strong honey.

    xx

  7. So sorry Mash, it must be awful to receive this news again.
    I can well understand that you have fears … bad news is coming so shortly after one another that you do not have time to get over the previous bad news, and the new bad news already comes into your life.
    I hope it will pass and that the cycle will reverse itself with only good news coming your way …. I have no other advise but sending you strength and positive thoughts !! LOve too !!

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