I need to write a PMM because given half a chance I will probably spew a whole lot more anger, at the moment everything is making me angry.
So here goes. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
A strange thing has started happening to me since we started our adoption process. It started a few weeks ago, we went to meet some friends on the beach and I went to greet my friend’s sister. She was holding her little boy, he’s about one. The moment he laid eyes on me, he stretched out his arms for me to pick him up. I doubt very much he knew who I was, and everyone including myself laughed in surprise. He then sat on my lap where he fell asleep for about an hour! It was the most bizarre, heart warming experience.
On Saturday, it happened to me again, we were walking on the promenade in Seapoint, my mom, DH and I. A little guy was crawling around people’s legs with his mom in tow. He looked up and spotted me from about four meters away and made a beeline for me. I picked him up and he snuggled right into my arms, placing his head on my shoulder. I chatted to his mom for a bit, and she tried to take him back, but he started screaming. So I carried on holding him for a bit longer, he really was very reluctant to leave.
I don’t believe so much that I’m terribly appealing to babies, I actually believe that they can sense something and it’s their way of comforting me. They are giving, not receiving love in that moment, and it’s a reminder to me that these little ones are far more clever than we know.
In December, my sister gave me her manual breastpump. Just for the hell of it, I started pumping to see what would happen, and was amazed that right from day one, I started producing a tiny bit of clear fluid (we’re talking like a drop). I wasn’t so great at doing it on a daily basis, but the fluid slowly started to change colour and become slightly opaque. On the night after the little boy fell asleep in my arms, I actually produced a stream of whitish droplets. It was the most incredible feeling that one tiny part of my built in baby sustaining equipment works.
The novelty has since worn off, after all it could still be years before our adoption goes through and the anticipation is already driving me batshit crazy as it is. Maybe when this funk lifts a little, I’ll go and see a lactation consultant. Then again, maybe I won’t!