Category Archives: Fertililty

Au Naturel

Firstly, I need to update you on my ungiftedness.  Meaning, I’m still lagging behind a bit on the gifting side of things.  The gifts have been small, and could be considered insignificant… I gave someone a lift to the train station, and gave him a compactable, reusable shopping bag, that I admittedly got for free at the wellness day at work.  I took DH out for lunch and gave my lovely domestic worker, Pinkie, spinach from our garden.  I haven’t exactly been inspired, the reason being that I am doing my yoga teacher’s prac exam on Saturday and that is where every spare moment goes.  Even just coming up with creative ideas is a bit tough right now, but that is the whole point isn’t it?  To take us out of our own little universe, and make us step into someone else’s world for a bit.

There’s other, fertility related stuff going on in my world.  As you all know, I’m more than a bit afraid of IVF.  It took all my courage just to let them prick my finger for the cholesterol test at work, and I was positioning myself in the chair in just such a way that if I passed out I wouldn’t hit my head and be brain damaged.  There are other reasons too, I’m not entirely ready to let go of the “miracle” conception yet.  I know it is unlikely, but I need to have tried everything.  At that point I will be ready to surrender, and let my wonderful Dr H wave his magic wand (not DH’s magic wand, DR H.  Different kind of wand).

So here’s the plan.  And to those of you that are not big spiritual hippies, it is going to sound a bit “out there”, so I’m sorry!  You need to understand that I haven’t even taken a disprin for a headache in about 5 years.  So here are the last of the plans for the Au Naturel conception, before IVF (originally scheduled for March, but now only likely to happen around May or even later).  Also, please realise that I have no judgement about IVF, I have the highest respect for those of you that are going this route, the courage of an IVF’er is surely comparable to that of a soldier going into combat!

I’m going to make my peace with horses.  I love horses, and have never ridden again since I fell off 11 years ago.  Horses are very spiritual animals, and one of the last things I saw after I fell off and before I was whisked off to hospital was a big concerned horsey face, the nose coming right down to mine, enquiring what had happened.  I never rode again because of a promise that I made to my mother.  But there is a lady who holds sessions with horses that don’t involve riding, and I will be having one of those.  I’ve had two seperate intuitives tell me that I need to spend time with horses, so why not!

I also ordered a Self Fertility Massage DVD, a bit expensive when you take postage into account, but cheaper than  a trip to the US to get the treatment.  I will be doing this for 6 weeks.  It also includes the castor oil packs, the two work in conjunction.  I reckon, if nothing else, it can only improve my chances for IVF.  I had some interesting results in the first few days, but it’s a bit gross to describe here.  Suffice to say that some elimination took place.

Affirmations.  I’m a big fan of Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and the DVD of the same name, I think I mentioned it before, and I believe that our words can truly change our reality.  I’m not trying to say that we are infertile due to using the wrong words, but sometimes changing the way we speak about things can change the way we think about things, and it can have an impact on our physical reality.  These are my current affirmations:  “My body and mind are clean, clear and free of restrictions”.  “I am willing to release the need to be infertile.  It is safe for me to become a mother”.  (I have some deep seated issues about bringing a child into the world, that it’s too dangerous here, the world isn’t a perfect enough place.  I sometimes feel that I am being selfish by wanting a child, and that I am bringing unnecessary suffering to a little human being).

The last thing I am going to do is a course in Quantum Energy Coaching.  My earth angel in the world of fertility has been Cam who introduced me to the infertility forums, and lent me LOTS of books on the subject.  Seriously, she could start a business lending out fertility books!  One of them was on the impact of hypnotherapy on fertility treatment, and that had quite an impact on me.  I contacted someone I know who is a clinical hypnotherapist, and she told me that she felt the Quantum Energy Coaching course is way more effective.  It’s so interesting actually, the lady who runs the course is a GP, and she got tired of just doling out drugs to everyone, and noticed that they were all just basically unhappy in their lives. That’s where the Quantum Energy comes in, and there’s also a subsection of this course that deals in releasing trauma from the cells.  I think I am probably a prime candidate for that.  The idea behind that is that after animals are in life threatening situations  (e.g. an impala that was chased by a lion, but got away), research has shown that their bodies start to tremour, for about 20 minutes, before they carry on with their lives, totally free of Post Traumatic Stress.  Apparently this tremouring is necessary to send messages to the brain that the danger is over, and to switch off the adrenaline.  But when we as humans see someone tremouring after a stressful incident, we do everything we can to stop it.  Most of us are actually living with years of stored up trauma.  And so, on the course they teach you to tremour!

OK, so that’s it in a nutshell.  And DH is being dragged along for the ride.  Who knows, I might suddenly have Mr SuperSperm on board with me, and that can’t be a bad thing.

I’ll let you know how it goes.  Once I’m done talking to myself, talking to horses, lying on the couch with castor oil packs and spending a few minutes a day tremouring, I might finally be ready to join my brave IVF warrior friends in the computer.

But until then, that is my somewhat unusual POA for now.  Anyone else doing anything whacky to get fertile?

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E.ka Pa.da R.aja Kap.otasana

It means “One Legged Royal Pigeon”, and it’s good for fertility. Let’s get to it girls (guys are welcome to try too, but the fertility benefits of this posture are only available to women).

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How Far is too Far?

After reading Stirrup Queen’s “was it worth it” post yesterday, a few thoughts have been brewing. In the back of my mind, I always had a rough plan of action. I’m going to do everything in my power to try to conceive naturally, and am currently researching many options along that route (PS thanks Dee for the link to self fertility massage which is an awesome site with lots of natural remedies and even a forum). And then, in the back of my mind I had left the emergency option of 2 IVF’s open, and I want to be done with this journey by the end of the year. Then I will feel as if I have tried, and I want to start looking into adoption. In fact, I have days where I am ready to start looking into adoption now, but DH is not keen on that route at all.

Last night we were at a friend’s house babysitting (our first time ever) and I broached the subject with DH. “How far do you want to go, how many IVF’s would you be prepared to experience?” “About 6 IVF’s”. SIX!!! Holy cow, had a quick choke on my hibiscus tea. Of course DH doesn’t spend hours on the fertility forums so has no idea how much emotional upheaval even one IVF causes. And he will want what’s best for both of us, so it’s not to say we are actually going to go that far. And who knows, the first one might work. But the point is that there are some differing levels of devotion to parenthood in our relationship (and probably in most relationships), that I wasn’t aware of at all.

The problem is mostly on my side, so I do feel that I would be depriving him if I were to dig my heels in after 2 IVF’s. He has very kindly said that it’s my body and he would never put me through something I didn’t want to do, and similarly, I would do it for him if he really wanted me to. I have days though, where I don’t even think I want to have one IVF. I actually have days where I think I could walk away from this whole situation and move on. I do actually see some benefits in a childfree life, I realise this is an unpopular thought in the fertility community, but there you have it, it’s out. Having said that, for the most part, I still totally believe it will happen somehow, and so I probably have not fully processed the childfree possibility anyway. But it’s there isn’t it?

Have you gone there, have you stared the worst case scenario in the eye? Or does that feel too much as if you are putting your head in the lion’s mouth? When you look back on your life, will you regret the years of living a life that was on hold whilst trying to conceive?

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My Pr.eggy Clothes

Yes I know. Even this title is making me cringe. The thing is, I’ve only just really admitted it to myself. Over the past, oh, 15 years, I would occasionally come across a little item in a shop and think – oh that’s cute AND I could even wear it when I fall pregnant one day. Some of these hideous clothes, I wouldn’t be caught dead in, in fact many of them I have never worn.

But I never threw them out, because I have what we call in the yoga world “attachment” to them. An emotional bind to a material thing, that acts like a kid having a temper tantrum while hanging off it’s mother’s ankle in a shopping centre, on your spiritual growth. It’s very unlikely that throwing these potato sacks out of my wardrobe is going to hinder my ability to become pregnant, although I’m thinking that’s what the original thought process was.

Maybe my new mantra is starting to work. “My body and mind are clean, clear and free of restrictions (read adhesions/attachments to fugly clothes)”.

I also instituted a new rule in my life (it’s a Virgo thing, we can’t help ourselves) – I am not allowed to bring a new item of clothing into my wardrobe without throwing something out in return (giving it to charity). And with the January sales on (I have too much Dutch blood in me to resist a sale), and a credit card that is still warm from helping the lovely shops in my local shopping centre clear their sales items, it seems that some less fortunate, pregnant woman (with hopefully bad taste) is going to get very lucky this month.

PS Do you think this woman’s belly is for real or maybe she just used one of her couch cushions?

PPS I had to change the title because I was getting so many hits from actual people who are able to fall pregnant and have a use for clothes such as these.

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Dear Little One

My “Fertility Angel” who lives on the bedside table

I found this beautiful little carved statuette the other day, and it inspired me to the point that I had to make a special trip back to the shop to buy it. Her. Isn’t she lovely? Every day, I look at her and remember what this is all about.

Another inspiration I’ve had recently – the lovely Maryna from Fertilicare wrote this poem to her future little one, and then got a BFP a few days later.  And our other poetess, Chloe, posted this and another poem which I am not allowed to link to for some strange reason… and anyway, to cut a long story short, got her BFP a few days ago too.

So I’m thinking poetry is the way to go!  I’m not very good at making things rhyme.  But I’m going to write a little something to my future little one anyway.  Here goes.

Dear Little One.  We are going to be the best mommy and daddy in the world.  Really.  You won’t be spending much time being anaethetised by the TV, although this might upset you when you are little, you’ll be grateful when you are older.  Instead we are going to take you for hikes up table mountain, picnics in the botanical gardens.  We’ll show you the whales in Hermanus, the penguins in Simonstown and go for swims in the sea.  We’ll take you to Greyton, to a farm in the mountains where your Nanna lives.  She will spoil you, and shower you with gifts.  She’s waiting so eagerly for your arrival!

We’ll take you on an aeroplane to visit your Oma* in Joburg, and when we  are there we’ll show you real live animals in the bushveld.  Lions, elephants and giraffes.  Your Oma, by the way, is totally born for the job.  After you’ve had your fourth biscuit and we say “no more”, Oma will sneak one under the table to you.  In her house, you will rule.  Your Opa is no longer here with us, I wonder if you have met him in heaven?  Maybe you are spending some time with him, maybe you are playing together?  In that case take all the time you need.  Know that when you come to earth to be with us, he will be watching over you, being your silent guide, the gentle voice of reason in your life.  We will teach you all the lessons he taught us.  You have a Granddad too, he lives in England.  He’s a lovely, gentle, kind man.  We’ll take you there and show you snow.

You’ll have your Daddy wrapped around your little baby finger.  I know this, because I have seen him with children.  He melts like butter.  I have a feeling you will do no wrong in his eyes.  We’ll feed you only the best, most nutritious food, and it’s going to taste good, because we both love to cook.  We’ll encourage you to explore, to experience everything the world has to offer.  We’ll teach you that life is an adventure.  We’ll never pressurise you into being a high achiever, or studying something you aren’t interested in.  You can do anything you want with your life.  And we will be there to support you.

And so, dear one, we eagerly await your arrival.  And give our love to Opa, tell him we miss him so much.  Enjoy the time you are spending with him, I know he will.

*Means grandmother in Dutch

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The US of A

A few days ago I suddenly got the feeling that the work on my adhesions is not done.  It’s no good going to all these alternative practitioners and handing over my problems to them, I need to take ownership of this thing if I want it healed.  I know it can be done, we’ve all heard of Brandon Bayes healing her tumour the size of a basket ball, and many other similar stories.  These are some little adhesions we’re talking about here!  But it’s not going to happen while I lie on someone’s therapy bench, I need to get more involved.

I’ve been going for Bowen Therapy and am a big fan.  I studied yoga with the lady who does it, and she is very a talented healer.  Her own son had a tumour (not malignant) the size of a plum in his lower back.  After two unsuccessful treatments in hospital, she took him out and decided to tackle it with a philosophy she had a lot more faith in, natural healing.  She worked together with a homeopath and used intense visualisation of the tumour shrinking, each day giving her son something to imagine.  And yes, the tumour is gone.  Completely.

So I decided that I need some visuals to work with, I needed to find some pictures first of fallopian tubes with adhesions, and then of healthy fallopian tubes.  And then suddenly I had a thought, my entire insides are covered in adhesions.  Just because I want my fallopian tubes to “perform” doesn’t mean that I should neglect the rest!

Google took me almost instantly to this website.  It feels a bit like a godsend, here is someone who is really dealing with the actual problem, the adhesions, and not trying to find a workaround (which is what IVF would be for me).  I’m really fascinated by what they are doing, and their stats are great – way better than IVF which is basically 30% each time.  I’m especially intrigued by this because I don’t even know where the adhesions are, they could be inside my uterus, which means that even an IVF pregnancy might be rejected as a result.  I emailed them, asking if there was any way I could get this treatment or something similar in South Africa.

And the answer was… we get lots of people from overseas, here is more info on what we do.  No, nobody in South Africa (or anywhere else in the world) is qualified to do this.  Until that moment, the thought of actually making the trip to America had not crossed my mind.  The treatment and flights are going to cost as much as two IVF treatments, even though the treatment is relatively cheap for Americans, costing about 1/6th of IVF over there.  It’s the exchange rate that is the killjoy.  R7.80 for $1.

So now a new possibility has dawned in my mind.  I’m seeing pictures of me and the Statue of Liberty (liberty as a symbol of freedom from adhesions, cool huh?), eating donuts in New York, catching one of those yellow cabs.  I know it’s cliched, but indulge me (the treatment in fact is in either Iowa, Florida or California, but New York – come on, it has to be done!). 

DH does not think this is a good idea.  Firstly because it saps our entire IVF fund for 2010, and so I can’t blame him.  There is the possibility that I may still need IVF after this treatment.  And, as he correctly pointed out, how much of this is about handing over the job to someone else again?  I just wish he could see the flicker of hope that I see, the possibility of a whole, healthy, fertile and drug free me.   Why can’t he just humour me and entertain the idea for a little while?  I love the idea of taking a journey, literally, and coming back to Africa healed.

Maybe this is my journey, it’s about me becoming well again, and I shouldn’t be looking for approval from DH or anyone else.  Why do I always do that anyway?

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Happy Ending

This weekend one of my “friends in the computer” became a mommy.  Sharon has had 5 IVF’s amongst other stressful fertility treatments over the past 7 years, during which time she also suffered 7 miscarriages.  She has been such a pillar of strength to those of us just starting out on this journey, always encouraging us, and giving us the information and background that half an hour with a fertility specialist can never provide. 

Just over 6 weeks ago, she had her last miscarriage, and the emotional pain she went through as a result was shared by many of us in the community.   I’m sure that a few of us (myself included) started questioning whether this journey was really worth it.  And Sharon herself came to a decision, slowly but surely, that she’d had enough of treatments and pregnancies.

From that moment on, it seems to me that the universe stepped into supergear.  3 weeks later the forms were filled in and here we are, another three weeks later, Sharon has her baby angel in her arms. 

It’s as if this little soul was always destined to be Sharon’s baby, it’s as if there was never any doubt.  Her little girl just swept into her life like a leaf on the wind.  When something is somebody’s fate, there is nothing anybody can do to change it.  When you work in unison with the universe, I think it feels right, it’s the gentle nudge that you listen to when you shut out all the other screaming voices in your head for a while.  Maybe that’s what they mean when they refer to a “moment of truth”, it’s a moment of knowing, beyond doubt that things are going to happen differently from now on.

And then like a wave that catches you on a body board, you are swept in to shore.

It’s like being a witness to a miracle.

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