I’ve Also Gone Over the Top

I clearly remember Dee’s post about all the vitamins she was taking and kind of agreeing with her that it was OTT.  But I’m there, in fact I think I might be going even more OTT than she did!

 

And it worked for her right? So here’s my magic pill list:

• Co-enzyme Q10 – feeds the mitochondria (energy power house) of the cell, thought to improve egg quality, and definitely helps with migraines, which research is starting to show can come from a massive loss of energy on the cellular level (I sometimes take this during a migraine and it stops the pain)
• Inositol – a B vitamin, said to help with grey hair and infertility. 
• Evening Primrose oil – an omega 6 which is supposed to help with PMS, inflammation, eczema
• Cold water Fish oil – omega 3, good for the heart and immunity
• B complex – B12 and folic acid are important for fertility, and the others don’t hurt either.  I was found to have a B12 deficiency and it’s something I’ll keep a close eye on in the future
• Vitamin D3 (every second day) – regulates cell growth and s.ex hormones (amongst many other things).  I was also found to be seriously deficient in this, and it is often deficient in women with PCOS.
• Vitamin E (every second day) - antioxidant
• Iron - I have always been iron deficient… levels are only now starting to creep up a bit, very slowly.
• L-Tyrosine with iodine and raw liver powder (every second day) – thyroid regulator.  My thyroid levels are OK, but my pituitary gland is working very hard to keep it there, and it may be degrading somewhat with age.
• Royal Jelly (every second day) – supposedly balances hormones.  When this bottle is finished I won’t be replacing it because I don’t think we get good enough quality RJ in this country.
• Agnus Castus (every second day) – also balances hormones.  Again when this bottle is finished I won’t replace it.

DH is on staminogro which incorporates a lot of the above, a probiotic, omegas.

I have managed to make contact with the clinic in JHB that I’m interested in, and will be having a skype consultation with Dr C next week.  I got an email from Dr H this week to see how I’m doing, he’s just so sweet.  So I broke it to him that I’ll be cheating on him with another FS, I’m actually hoping we can plan some kind of collaberation.  At a previous appt I told him Dee’s story, and he told me that he and Dr C get on very well, in fact it sounded like they were family friends (kids and wife get on well too).  He holds him in very high regard as a doctor.  So I’m very excited, it’s amazing how just taking a tiny step forward has taken me out of that purgatory of not wanting to even think about fertility treatment ever again!

I stumbled on the Guiliana and Bill series the other day, the IVF one.  I recorded the whole series and have been in absolute tears watching them.  I’m not usually someone who is interested in celebs, but these are really just such a nice couple, and they’ve really let the TV camera in on some of their darkest moments.  It was so interesting watching the excitement they went into their first IVF with, the devastation of their miscarriage, and then the total fear and trepidation that went with their second failed IVF cycle.  And also, they have a South African FS!

It’s been four years and I’ve had 48 menstrual cycles since we started on this journey.  I’ve been battling somewhat with my lack of belief that it will ever work for me, but when I look at it in that context I guess it makes sense.  I mean if you phone a number and it doesn’t work, you might try one or two more times, but you wouldn’t try 48 times, still believing it might suddenly work?  I’m going to have some counselling before the next cycle to hopefully find some peace in my soul, to replace the anger and sadness that exists there now.

The “next cycle” is still not cast in stone, in fact a big part of me is so close to ditching everything and just going the adoptive route.  Adoption just feels so incredibly right to me.  DH – well he’s in that allergic-to-speaking-about-infertility stage at the moment, he’s avoiding it all.  I know he’ll come around soon though, and be ready to start looking at options again.

So what’s your magic pill list looking like, do you have one?

A Bit of This And That

Has it been three weeks?  Good grief.  Of course there are twenty blog posts swirling in my head.  But I’ll just do a quick, short summary of life and then hopefully I’ll find create a few moments to really get one or two of those thought patterns into some words in the blogosphere.

• I won the court case against my tenant.  I represented myself and was very proud to have accomplished this without a lawyer!  The court is a scary place people.  If you are considering emigrating, go spend some time in the courts, it will cement your decision.  They are a mess.  The judge/magistrate (whatever he is) came in and started off with “I won’t be hearing any cases that are opposed today”.  Meaning that if you wanted to actually have a hearing, you were out of luck.  In all fairness, there must have been about 30 cases on the roll.  The court was packed solid with lawyers, many of them stood up and had to defer their cases to a later date because the court staff had lost the documents.  Luckily today was only a follow up, my tenant didn’t even turn up, and I just told the judge dude that I was happy to be receiving payments through the garnishee order, no problems from my side.  Job done, case struck off the roll.
• At the beginning of the year, I decided to stop being such a slob and actually do something about my appearance.  I started wearing a bit of make up and finally got a hair appointment with the most super hairdresser ever (five month waiting list).  It was worth every minute of waiting, it’s easy, wash and go, and gorgeous (if I might say so myself).  I should mention that my kind of wavy, somewhat frizzy hair has been a problem for a while.  This is part of my drive to only deal with the best practitioners in every field, and it takes some courage to walk away from someone you’ve been with for years (and whose personality you might love but whose skills in their field aren’t that great).
• I’ve been going for acupuncture.  I still don’t like the needles, but it’s easier since the IVF’s.  He certainly seems to have done something with my hormones, normally a migraine before AF is an absolute guarantee, and this month I felt completely normal.  Or put another way.  Normally the days before AF feel like running and jumping off a cliff, a complete freefall into pain.  This month it was like taking a leisurely walk down a hill and then lying on a bank in the sun.  I think I must have mentioned about 32 times to my husband how well I felt, and he was definitely starting to get a bit bored of it.  I can’t say I find acupuncture relaxing like everyone else does.  But I’m quite a jack-in-the-box, so relaxing is not something I experience very often anyway.
• Undecided about the date for the next IVF treatment.  The thought of it still makes me shudder.  Also undecided about the clinic.  Or maybe we go straight to adoption.  Undecided being our keyword in that area for now.
• I’ve started a spiritual diary, which has been really interesting.  I use it to notice things about myself, observations about thoughts I have about other people etc.  The rough guide to it is kind of – it’s not about how someone else is right/wrong/could improve.  It’s about how my view of that person/situation could be restricting me.  It’s not allowed to be a whinge either, it must be written with the intention of overcoming and moving forward.  And the final rule is that I have to fill the page or two pages, it just forces me to take the time to really write instead of having the freedom to duck out before I’ve really explored what I’m busy with.  Generally it leaves me feeling quite a bit lighter!
• We’re finally getting that solar geyser installed sometime next week, or actually getting our geyser converted to work with some solar thingies (don’t ask me that techie terminology).  I did the numbers on it, and we are borrowing the money out of our bond (mortgage), with the savings as they stand now, we’ll pay it back in four years.  However there will be electricity price increases sooner than that, so four years is the worst case scenario.  From then onwards, it’s pure profit, so I see it really as a type of business investment.  Of course the solar geyser has a lifespan, and will be technologically obsolete at some point, but I’m sure there’s a good ten years in it.

And that’s it for today.  I hope you are all exuding hearts and rainbows on this Valentines Day!

Some Thought Provoking Conversation about Adoption

I came across this a few days ago, and it played on my mind so much I felt I needed to blog about it.  It’s from one of my favourite bloggers (when I found her blog I read it from start to finish), who is herself both an adoptee and infertile.  She’s doing a write up here on a book by another adopted woman.  It’s an interesting and thoughtful conversation, the author replies a number of times in the comments section.

http://www.themaybebaby.com/2012/01/sharing-truths-found-memior-part-of.html

As someone who has had her fair share of trauma (and then again it’s nothing compared to some), the one thing that I have never ever seen as traumatic is the act of adoption. To me it seems (from the outside, but also as an infertile woman and someone who is very seriously considering adoption) to be one of the most miraculous and beautiful things I have ever come across. Not as an act of charity. Not as an act of rescue. I believe that it takes immense and tremendous love on the part of a birth mother to make this decision. I believe that if the birth mother truly believes she has made the right decision for her child, then adoption is most certainly in the child’s best interest. The social worker that we are dealing with told us that birth mothers care deeply for their children, and it is not a decision they take lightly. They are counselled for many months. They are 100% sure that this is what they want for their babies, who in 90% of cases they love dearly. The number one focus of the social worker is for the child. If even one grandparent shows some kind of dislike for the idea of adoption, the entire thing is out of the question. The care that is taken on every level is just incredible. Of course, there is no doubt in my mind that the child will feel abandoned on some subconscious level, and that is never OK. But there are so many aspects of life and childhood that are not OK, that are painful. We are all damaged!

My thoughts are basically the same thoughts that I have about all things.  In life you have two choices, all day, every day.  To act from a place of love or to act from a place of fear.  Actions from a place of fear are never empowering, and the same applies to adoption.  Placing a child due to your fear, or adopting a child due to fear cannot be healthy for anyone.  But when a birthmother places a child because her love for the child is so great that she puts her child’s needs above her own, and when a couple (or single person) adopt a child because their heart is so overflowing with love that has nowhere to go, surely the result can only be great.

There are few things as terrifying to any human being as loss of identity, and the dangers for adopted children in this respect are possibly greater than for children living with their biological parents.  But love and a sense of belonging must surely be able to overcome all those problems?

On a different note, it’s interesting that when a thought is in my mind, sometimes my bloggettes post about it before I do.  It’s happened with my last two posts!  Thanks Sharon and LM!

Coming To Terms With A Few Things

It’s no secret that I went through an extremely painful time emotionally, at the beginning of the year.  I felt like I was being torn apart inside, there were all these conflicting thoughts flying around in my mind, each vying for space and attention.  The conflicts basically boiled down to one single thing, my dreams for my future versus my current reality.

In terms of the fertility, it’s obvious.  I want to be a mother, and I have never stopped believing that I will one day.  But.  And it is a big but.  Right now I am not, and right now, there is also nothing on the horizon to indicate that it’s going to change.  I have 29 blogs in my google reader, the vast majority of which (in fact, come to think of it, all of them) belong to infertile women.  I have been reading those blogs for just over two years.  It’s just myself and two others left childless at this point.  While it always gave me great hope and belief to see others fall pregnant, during the dark days of late December and early January, it served as a wake up call.  Something else happened too, a friend who is very dear to me is pregnant.  And the ugly green monster reared it’s head like never before, it was terrible.  I considered ending the friendship, I’m ashamed to say, just to avoid the pain of seeing her pregnant!  I felt like there was no point in continuing it anyway, since most of my friends who have become parents gravitate to other friends who also have children.  It’s been extremely tough on me, facing that as a couple we are now also, the last men standing in our social group of friends. 

It wasn’t just the fertility that was playing on my mind.  And now, I must warn you, I love my husband very much, and our marriage is in a very good space right now, but disclaimer – this may sound like a huge whinge.  We’ve been together 10 years, and in that time, my husband has had 8 jobs, 2 businesses and a 4 month sabatical.  I’ve spent the entire time as the self appointed coach, trying to find his direction in life, trying to encourage him, always believing and knowing that things would get better, calmer, easier.  They didn’t.  There just simply has never been any calm before the storm when it came to my husband’s career, it’s been stormy, stormy, stormy.  I ached for some consistency, I ached to be able to plan our lives a little, just being able to count on what was going to be happening for the next few months.  But I didn’t even know I was aching, because I was in such complete and utter denial about it.  I based my own career decisions on it, thinking that it was better for me to stay put and stay stable until things improved for him.  I was waiting for it to change, like a lightbulb was about to be switched on, and everything would be OK.  I had my entire life on hold for the moment that we could finally exhale and stop worrying.

One morning, while I was feeling so angry and isolated, I suddenly had a little breakthrough.  What if this is it?  What if it doesn’t get any better?  What if maybe it really is time to find some friends who are childless by choice, so that we can actually feel included in the conversation?  What if inconsistency in my husband’s career, is just how it’s going to be?  He’s always paid his way within our household, so what if it’s a bit of a soap opera and a rollercoaster?

The first thing I felt was another wave of anger.  It’s not fair!  Why should I?  Why can everyone else have such a normal life and mine has to be such a mess, why does God love me less?  But underneath that anger, I sensed something, a kind of peace.  So I explored it more.  First I got more angry, but then I also started to feel more relaxed once the anger subsided.  I started wondering if accepting things was a form of becoming cynical, giving up and no longer caring.  But that’s not what it is either.  I haven’t given up trying for anything, I’ve just given up waiting for a whole lot of things.  I’m standing back and observing a little, as people have conversations about their children, about their lives that truly are so different to mine.  Instead of the thought that has never left my mind, “one day I’ll be there, I’ll be able to join in”, I stand back and see the truth for what it is right now.  I am not a mother.  I am not married to the CEO of a huge, successful corporate empire.  Today and in this moment, it is what it is.

After our separation, I promised myself that I would never again have my eyes closed to what was right before me.  I spent so long pretending to myself that things were fantastic with us, in my mind I had built my husband up to be some fictitious character of my imagination.  I made him fit into the fantasy of what I wanted him to be.  I was so lost in that dream, that I had no inkling, not even the tiniest clue, that he was about to walk out of the marriage.  All I could see was the possibility of things working out the way I wanted them to, and absolutely nothing else.  I don’t think I could have prevented the separation, but I think I could have seen it coming.

It was the same with the infertility.  I had sold myself a couple of stories about parenthood, and I bought into those stories with every ounce of my being.  10 years ago, when I moved to Cape Town, I searched for a gynae who would be good to have around during a natural birth (they’re few and far between in this country).  Yep, 10 years ago.  And then with every visit to her, I walked through the hospital playing out the “me in labour” fantasy.  Would I be whisked up these stairs, through those doors?  In fact, it got so bad, I started doing it every time I drove past the hospital.  That is the hospital I’ll be having my baby in!  Will I get there in time?  Will it be at night or during the day? 

I needed to see that there is no pregnancy and there may never be.  That’s just how it is right now.  I’m now making myself look at that hospital as just another building, and as sad as that is, it’s also a relief.  I may even change gynaes, and find one that’s closer to where I live.  I’m cancelling the life insurance policy I bought years ago for “in case I have children”, because right now at this moment, it serves no purpose at all.

DH is unhappy in his career, he has been since I met him, and that is sad.  But it’s not something that I can change.  I have no option but to stand back and watch it unfold, one way or another.  Having come from a home where my dad always quietly provided, where money was never even discussed, it hasn’t been easy to live with.  But we are so right for each other in so many other ways, he is so kind, so gentle, he’s my best friend.  He helps around the house, he’s the most honest person I know.  His soul is just restless, always seeking something better, and the calm that he seeks is not something I can give.  He must find it himself, he must realise that the happiness he is looking for is within him.  Instead of getting on the rollercoaster everytime with him, I can stand on the ground and watch.

So I’ve found a little peace with what is.  I’m standing in my truth a little more.  I’m connecting, my word for the year is really pulling me forward in my life, I forgot how much I miss socialising.  I don’t have the courage for another IVF yet.   I might never.  Our next discussion is really whether to give the long protocol a shot or just go straight for adoption. 

The pain has catapulted me forward.

My Word For the Year

I saw this first over at Marcia’s blog.  Your word sets your intention, and it drives your actions.

My word for this year is Connect. 

It’s been bouncing around in my head since the holidays, I want to spend more time actually connecting with people, my husband, my family, my work colleagues.

I want to put in some effort where I used time as an excuse in some of my older friendships, to let things slide.  To take time to make phonecalls, just to chat.  Skype my overseas friends a little more.

This is the year that I’m going to make “connecting” count.

Some Random Things About Me

I got nominated for this by Sam, who is amongst other things one of the most brilliant commenters ever.  She’s one of those people who responds to every single comment by email, and the comments she makes are just always kind and encouraging. 

The idea is to mention 7 random things about yourself and then nominate 15 other bloggers.  So here goes:

• I love trashy reality shows.  My latest favourites are “Sister Wives” (about a polygamist family) and of course, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” (during which I always entertain the fantasy that one of these days I’ll be walking down the chocolate aisle in Pick n Pay and go into labour, because nobody picked up I was pregnant even during my two IVFS and hysteroscopy.  I’ll be surrounded by all that lovely chocolate, which I’ll help myself to while I effortlessly deliver my full term healthy baby.  A quick and painless birth of course, as a kind of payback for the infertile years).
• I used to work at a very upmarket London hotel many years ago, answering the phones for room service.  I got to speak to some lovely celebs, and some real a-hole celebs.  Once when I went to take the bills to reception, Stephen Se.gal was walking through the lobby, and I got such a surprise I just stood there with my mouth hanging open.  He laughed at me, at which point I managed to close my jaw again.  He was definitely very sexy back then.
• I’ve backpacked to around 37 countries.  I used to aim for one country per year of my life, but I now have some catching up to do.  The backpacking budget is devoted solely to paying doctors to stick needles into places no needle should ever go, in an attempt to get a baby to go where apparently no baby wants to go either.
• I did ballet from the age of three to the age of 18.  I took it up again in my adult years before I moved to CT, and for a short while afterwards.  I really miss dancing, nothing makes me feel more alive than dance.
• Three months after I got my driver’s licence I had an accident and rolled the jeep I was driving (a really old battered one that my dad used to use for hunting and that I adopted as my own, which didn’t have seatbelts in it).  I was flung right out of the car, and I was extremely lucky to get out alive.  I got away with a few stitches under my lower lip.
• Considering my Dad used to hunt, I have no idea how he ended up with such a tree hugging daughter as myself.  I was mostly vegetarian for five years.  I have a guru in my favourite country in the world, India.  I rescue spiders from the bath rather than let them drown.  This weekend, I managed to convince my FIL to drive me back to a spot where I saw a lamb looking a little lonely in a field because I was worried someone had forgotten to move him to the new field (I was right).  I did an intuition development course.  I have a heart shape on my water filter at home because I believe it will transmit love into the water we drink.  Yep, I am a complete card carrying hippy in my heart.
• In my head on the other hand, I am the most logical person you will ever meet.  I develop financial software for a living.  I spend a lot of time reading business journals and newspapers.  I recently completed a degree in Quantitative Management, which is basically maths and stats.  I follow the economy and the financial indices.  I invest in shares and unit trusts both here and overseas.  I love spreadsheets.  I can’t believe I just admitted that, but it’s true.  There’s no reason why the inner hippy and the inner number cruncher can’t live in perfect harmony inside the same personality

I nominate mmccif, A Higgledy Piggledy Life, The Maybe Baby, Trip the Light, and A Path Less Travelled.  I know.  Only 5.  But I think everyone else has done it, and if you are reading and you haven’t done it then I hereby nominate you too :-)

The Year in Review

I’ve been inspired to write this by the other bloggettes   and their beautiful New Year posts.

I guess a year in which IVF failed twice tends to leave you feeling like the whole year was yet again, a total waste.  I have ended the year in a bit of a dark space, I really am just deciding on whether I should carry on with this parenthood thing or call it a day.  It’s kind of superstitious, I have had such a tough few years, that I’ve become scared that if I do actually become a parent, something really terrible is going to happen next (again).

I hate it when people get all sorry for themselves, but oh my hat, I’m in it!  This has been the year where I’ve officially hit rock bottom and lost a whole lot of faith in God and the Universe and the ultimate “good over evil” thing.  I think that maybe it just is what it is, and some people will become parents and others won’t… finish.  Not because there is a greater plan, just because.  I just can’t conceive of the notion that somebody chose this as their greater plan for me, because right now it’s looking a whole lot more like a lesser, somewhat badly thought out plan.

Apart from fertility though, some really special things did happen to me this year.  Things in my marriage are truly fantastic, and as a couple we are really moving forward.  Of course, I do wish we had reached this 5 years ago, and dived straight into IVF then, because it would be a whole different ball game.  But nonetheless, I am grateful.

I finally have had the courage to try IVF, and despite the devastation it’s brought, we have finally reached a point in our relationship where it was possible to do this.

Financially I’ve reached a milestone that I’m really proud of in terms of my net worth, and it’s something that I’ve worked hard to reach.

In terms of life lessons, unfortunately I can’t say that I’ve learned a whole lot.  Probably unlearned a whole lot is more like it.  Not sure if it’s a good thing or not.  I feel a little bit stripped bare of everything I’ve ever believed in.

I don’t really have New Years resolutions, more like pages and pages of ongoing, ever dynamic, all-the-time resolutions.  I have them loaded up on Google docs, split into categories like Friends and Family, Career, Finances etc.  These are the things I want to look back on in 25 years time when retirement rolls around, things I want to have experienced.  Kind of like my bucket list in all areas of my life.  But there are some little things I am going to implement in the spirit of the New Year…

I’m going to put some more effort into being feminine, wearing make up and perfume and actually do some clothes shopping once in a while (something I used to do often, but lost interest in when I moved to the coast and there were better things to do).

I’m going to spend some time every day either breathing, doing yoga or some meditation.  I will take a few moments to get intentional about the day, so that at the end of each day I’ll feel like it’s counted.  To ensure that it actually happens, I’m getting up half an hour earlier, and will have my yoga clothes ready and waiting.

For those of you that have forgotten the password I always use and want to read the last post, email me.

Wishing you all the best for the New Year, may all your dreams come true!

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Don’t Worry…

I didn’t top myself or anything

I’ve just had a really blissful two weeks with my beautiful family.  I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful family, my sister, her husband and the two lights of my life, her children.  Where do I begin to tell you about their sweet little souls and the cuteness of them.  And then there’s my mom, a pillar of strength and determination, someone I admire to my core, and of course my DH, who spoiled me rotten and cooked the whole motley crew a massive English style Christmas lunch (ja, I can cook, but my DH, well, there’s just no point in being in the kitchen when he’s there).

A few days after my depth of despair and self pity post, I got the usual tap on the shoulder from the universe to say “ahem, pull yourself together woman, you’re not the first or the last person to experience pain”.  The tap on the shoulder came in the following form:

• My mom’s friend’s daughter has had a terminal diagnosis on her breast cancer.  She is my age.  She is already on morphine.
• A family that we have found a bond with (their dad was murdered five days before my dad in almost identical circumstances) was in a car accident due to a drunken driver.  Mom, dad and two little girls were in hospital with broken bones, but thankfully nobody is critical.
• My colleague’s husband drowned while diving for crayfish.  She is young, gorgeous, in her prime.  They got married this year.

I can’t say I’m exactly philosophical about our situation yet.  I’m pissed off.  Sad.  Losing hope.  But I know that this too shall pass, and our health and family is the greatest gift we have.

I am in a little bit of blogosphere bankruptcy as Marcia puts it, my reader is too full for me to get through everything in it.  But I’m getting there

I’m working on my intentions for the New Year, getting clear on what I want out of it.  You’ll still hear more on that.

I got nominated for a little meme by Sam, and I’ll be doing that in a few days too.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you, for your wonderful comments and amazingly kind thoughts.  The lifeline that this blogosphere has become for me, never fails.

It Got Worse

Infinitely worse.  On Friday the usual menstrual migraine started to make it’s appearance, and I managed to stave it off the usual way, with caffeine, sugar and CoQ10.  I got home, and got into bed, knowing that in a few hours it would subside and life would return to normal.  It didn’t. 

Three days later, I was still in excruciating agony, lying on the bathroom floor, begging God to take either the pain or my life.  I had tried everything including pain killers which I never touch.  We had to cancel a weekend away for a close friend’s 40^th.  My family arrived from JHB and in a brief reprieve from the pain, I spent a little time with them.  The next day I paid for it with another day in bed.  I came very close to having myself admitted to hospital, and in hindsight, I should have.

We’re a week down the line, and I still have to have little breaks in between walking somewhere or doing simple things like emptying the dishwasher.  After doing a little shopping, I need an afternoon nap.  My body feels completely and utterly broken, I can hardly move.

In the follow up appointment with the FS, he told me that it’s definitely the fertility drugs.  I think there’s just a little bit of broken heart thrown in for good measure too.  I don’t think I was really in the mood to mourn, I’m so bored of it.  My whole damn life is just one big fucking bereavement, and all I want is a little break from it.  But it appears that my body is now ensuring that I go right back into that space.  The exhaustion is honestly robbing me of my will to live right now. 

I work my arse off, 49 weeks a year, and now I’m on leave, with a rare opportunity to spend some quality time with my family, it appears I’m having some kind of complete physical and mental breakdown.  Unable to function, unable to enjoy all the fun activities I have looked forward to for months.

It’s not an easy time, my sister has two gorgeous daughters who I love with all my heart.  Her youngest is two and a half, and my sister started trying for her quite a while after we started trying.  I see all the cute little washing on my line, and it tears my heart in two.

The strange thing is that I have a solid plan of action, I thought that would pull me through.  One more IVF with the long protocol (FS has agreed to it) and then adoption.  And I do love the idea of adoption, it really makes my heart skip with joy.  But I guess there is no escaping the mourning of your own genetics.  The blonde, curly haired little toddler that I have been visualising for so long.  In my mind’s eye, I’ve seen that child’s face!  The pregnancy.  The womanliness of it all.  And there’s also no escaping the questioning, why me?  What is it God, that you want from me?  If it’s not to parent a baby, then what?  If there really is a purpose to this, what the hell is it?

I really. Just. Don’t. Understand.